She's Got the Look: Trapeze Episode

Last week on America’s Next Top Lady Model with a Mortgage….

According to the voice over, the ladies gained “new respect for Roxanne” which leaves me wondering if I’ve missed a few crucial scenes. I haven’t and the camera flashed back to Roxanne crying about getting divorced. Now I realize that divorce is a painful thing but you know what else is painful? Getting stabbed seven times. If I gained respect for anyone it’s Tanya because if I was stabbed by a pack a girls juiced up on Haterade, I wouldn’t leave my house.

The voice over continues that front-runners Roxanne and Bahia were in danger of being eliminated until Paula stomped off the runway for the last time. Uttering the words “front-runner” and Roxanne in the same breath leaves me wondering if a fix is in. What exactly is “the look” that this show is going for? Pretension while looking older than one’s actual age? I just don’t get it.

I try to imagine where Paula is now and what she’s doing. No matter how tightly I close my eyes, all I get is an image of her clipping her toenails while waiting in line to be cast for another reality show.

This week’s show opens with an overly perky blonde blowing a whistle in the apartment. Is this reality show staple is supposed to be funny? I can tell you that if anyone tried to wake me up that way, the next time she wanted to blow it, she’d have to start farting.

Roxanne offers Perky some coffee to which Perky replies: I’vealreadyhadmycoffeeIhavetoomuchenergysocoffeemakesmegoWOOOOOO!! Suddenly I remember why I have Denise Austin so much.

Umm, okay. Turns out the Perky is the Fitness Director for SELF magazine. She makes the ladies gathering round for some product placement disguised as a workout. The product in question is called Jump Snap. Essentially, it’s two handles without a rope connecting them that allows one to do fake jump roping without the inconvenience of knocking shit down all over their apartment. Hope says it best when she remarks:

Just give me a [real] jump-rope lady.

About this fitness lady... not only does she not come close to possessing the best body in the flat, she kinda sounds like she’s been sucking on Lucky Strikes for the past 10 years.

Later, Kim Alexis’ pre-recorded voice mail message to the women tells them to pick an emotion and bring it with them for that day’s highflying challenge. There’s no mention of where they are supposed to stick their emotion for the journey.

The ladies head off to New York’s Trapeze School. The last time I saw this school featured on TV was during a “where are they now” show on Supermodels that aired many years ago. It showed Veronica Webb taking lessons. I recall that my husband, who I make watch all these garbage shows with me, just turned to me and said, “Wow, she really has nothing going on does she?” Really, it seemed kind of pathetic.

Cut to Roxanne, bragging that the challenge will be no problem for her because she hangs upside down all the time. So do bats, Roxanne. So do bats. The next time they show Roxanne she is balancing her groin on the edge of the trampoline practicing poses. Someone needs to tell her that feminine itching isn’t an emotion.

Bahia, of course, is terrified of heights. I say “of course” because since this show debuted, they have been showing previews of this show and Bahia’s meltdown. Now that I’m watching it in “real” time, it feels like a rerun.

Melissa is up first. The thing about Melissa is that I always forget she’s even on this show until they show her. She’s wearing a sports bra and a harness that grabs in all the wrong places. Her emotion is fear or pretty fear or something.

Photographer Bradford Nobel reminds me a lot of Will Forte from Saturday Night Live, especially when Forte does a character with a really shrill, really irritating high pitched voice, which apparently is Bradford’s natural speaking voice. Also, he has a bowl cut.

He thinks Melissa is a lioness but needs to be a cub. This makes zero sense to me.

Now it’s Tanya’s turn. Her emotion is confidence. She is scared but I’d be scared too if I’d been stabbed seven times for thinking I’m cute.

Bradford, who I am convinced has never picked up a camera before coming to work on this show, gives her the definition of confidence which comes from the dictionary that has never been updated and exists only in his mind.

Confidence (n.) Fierce eyebrow liftin’ looking at me like I’m hot stuff.

I can’t remember what Hope’s emotion was but Bradford thinks she’s today’s Tootie (from the Facts of Life.) I think Today’s Tootie would make a great name for a feminine spray.

Karin, who is Swedish but sounds like Gretchen Kraus from “Benson” does as fine job portraying longing as Celeste does with surprise.

Roxanne looks a bit like David Caruso the way her hair is slicked back. This is disturbing to me because I am deathly afraid of red headed men. When I see a redheaded male all I can think about his seeing him naked because I’m always picturing people naked and fire pubes are just about the least appealing thing on the planet. Her emotion is passion but she just looks constipated.

Now comes Bahia, who is still terrified. If the whole trapeze thing isn’t bad enough, they’ve made her hair look like she’s been sleeping in a boxcar for the last three weeks. Let me say that fear of heights is a very real thing and while it is funny to mock the 18 years olds on ANTM who have this fear, I feel really back for Bahia who is visibly shaken. She tries twice to get up to the platform but has to settle for doing fierce poses on the ladder. Her emotion is anger.

During all of this, the other women seem legitimately concerned for Bahia and shout words of encouragement. Roxanne is mostly off camera during these cuts but when Bahia comes down the ladder the first time, we see Roxanne hurrying over and around the group to plant her face next to Bahia’s for the group hug/camera shot. The one time they show her yelling up to Bahia, Roxy has all the enthusiasm of a chicken sexer trainee.

Back at the apartment all the women walk in wearing black. No explanation is given so I assume it’s an editing thing. They find a rep from Jenny Craig in their kitchen. To me, this is a nightmare but the ladies take it in stride and manage to find nice things to say about that cardboard food. Listen, I know that they have to do product placement to pay for this show but why can’t they use products that models actually need like stool softener, vodka and cigarettes?

Next we see Tanya and Hope. Tanya asks Hope who she thinks might go home. I hate things like this because you can never tell how much it has been edited. Hope says that she thinks Melissa will get the boot because she’s too sexy for this show. Tanya immediately defends Melissa, which begs the question, why did you ask that wack ass question in the first place?

The final challenge this week is a cougar and diamonds photo shoot posing with two male rent a hunks from the Wilhelmina agency named Jason and Jarod. The women are given tacky jewelry and a tackier gown designed by Sherry Hill, who Tanya excitedly shares is BIG in the pageant industry.

Unfortunately for Bradford, the photographer this time is a portly fellow named Fadil. He’s shot such lovelies as Cheryl Tieges, Halle Berry and Beverly Johnson. Interestingly, they didn’t have a copy of the photo he took of Halle Berry which suggests to me that he photographed her while hiding up a tree outside her house in Brentwood.

Fadil wants Hope's hair to be in an up-do. He wants an Audrey Hepburn look but you know like a black Audrey because Hope is black. He also hates Hope’s tramp stamp and keeps covering it up between takes with her shawl. Why she doesn’t have some Dermablend on hand is puzzling as why they just can’t airbrush that shit out. Hell, I could do that in MS Paint.

The camera keeps cutting to Roxanne who is seconds away from getting a curling iron lodged in her ass by the hair stylist. Roxanne thinks the stylist is making her look like Phyllis Diller. Yeah, she wishes.

I forgot to mention that they had to think of stories to go along with the photos. I don’t remember what Hope’s story was but Celeste is a jewel thief and Tanya is a black widow and Bahia is confused about something. Ummm, okay.

Melissa is done up in a slightly draggish gown that makes her boobs look artificial. She’s also getting a bit too turned on by the male models. Honey, they probably rode to the shoot on the same moped, so don’t waste your O-face.

Karin’s story is so long and drawn out that it belongs on a Fiona Apple album and I have no idea what Roxanne’s was but she and Fadil (who called her Roxy) seem to have made a love connection, they both love Roxanne.

After the shoot the ladies are informed that two chicks will be going home.

Photos from the trapeze and cougar shoot are unveiled. Really, I think that most of the women look great with Tanya and Karin’s photos coming out the most model like. The judges make the usual remarks adding that Roxanne’s trapeze shot made her look dead.

I won’t spoil the ending but the two women that probably deserved to go home went home.

I should add that all of the episodes are now available for viewing online.

Next week: Acting with Daisy Fuentes. Why does this show give so much away in the previews?