Sunday, July 6, 2008

She's Got the Look: In the Kitchen with Daisy

I know at least one person reads these recaps, so to that lady, I'm sorry it took so long for me to publish this. I had Tivo issues last week. 

Anyway, the beginning of this week's show finds the ladies back at the apartment.  

Tanya comments that the competition is getting pretty intense which is kind of funny to me because this is probably the least stressful competition reality show I have ever seen. With the exception of Paula's brilliant ranting in episode two, this has largely been a stress free affair. 

Karin pipes in and says that the house dynamic has changed. By this, she means that there are no contestants left who have trouble walking --cut to Hope impersonating Melissa's stomp and Roxanne's crazy shoulder rolling walk. I guess you just have to see, it because it is kind of funny.  

Kim Alexis' voicemail informs the ladies that there will be an acting challenge. At least, I think it was Kim's voicemail but to be perfectly honest, I can't tell the difference between Kim's recorded voice and her natural one. She talks and moves like she has a battery pack in her ass. I've see Teddy Ruxpin bears that act more natural. 

Bahia is nervous about the challenge and tells Celeste that she will probably be better at this than she is. In time the viewing audience will learn how very wrong she is about that assumption. 

The ladies are taken to the Soho Playhouse where they are introduced to acting coach Dave Mowers who informs them that they will do some improv work and a cold reading for some fake automotive school commercial. 

Celeste says something about being 50. 

Tanya is called up first and in her confessional shares that she has absolutely no desire to be an actress which I am pretty sure is a first for a reality show contestant. Next comes Celeste who's hair weave is not looking so hot. The front of her hair is sticking up like she was Cameron Diaz's spermed hair stunt double in There’s Something About Mary. Her reading is as fake as can be. Seriously, it's like someone pretending to be a bad actress on a sitcom.  I couldn't understand a word Karin said during her reading so I'm just going to leave that one alone. 

For the first challenge the women are split up into two groups and must write a commercial about greeting cards in which someone cries. Acting coach Dave lets Tanya pick the groups because she was "brave" and went first when he made her. How exactly is that brave? She puts Hope and Karin in her own group and pairs Celeste and Bahia which already sounds like comedic gold. 

Tanya's group tries to figure out which one of them can cry on cue and I wonder if they'd been paying attention at all during Karin's frequent tear sessions. Tanya volunteers that she can "go there" if she needs to and I'm thinking that of course she can because she was stabbed seven times. Hell, I cry every time I think about that. Somehow inexplicably, Hope end up with the task. 

Karin has trouble asserting herself so Tanya and Hope come up with the whole concept which had something to do with Hope being alone on her birthday and then her friends come in and surprise her with a card. What kind of friends are these? I don't want a stinking card on my birthday, I want booze and cake. Anyway, the dreadful commercial ends with Hope being unable to cry.

Next up is Celeste and Bahia. Celeste decides that she and Bahia should pretend they are in a split screen like that Micheal McDonald/Patti Label video for “On My Own.” In this version, both of them a sisters who receive the one another’s card on the same day. Oh, and they're Algerian because Celeste wanted to speak with an accent. If a fake accent didn’t work for Kevin Costner in Robin Hood, why will it work here? 

To say Celeste is a terrible actress is an understatement. After watching her over the top ACTING!  I am convinced that she couldn't act wet in a bathtub. How does someone so fake not know how to deliver a few lines? Bahia goes to some dark place in her part and manages to shed a few tears. Maybe she was remembering the trapeze challenge or something. 

Somehow, they get the victory and are told that a special surprise is waiting for them in the loft. Celeste is criticized for being over the top but says: 

“Yes, as always Celeste Johnson is over the top, that is part of my personality. I have a gusto for life that I am not going to give up because someone tells me I'm over the top!" 

Fair enough Celeste. 

Commercial break: an ad for the AARP 

Back at the loft, a banker and a real estate agent appear to have entered the apartment. Except that it's actually Celeste's husband Bill (c'mon, we all knew she was married to an old white guy) and Bahia's best friend Liz. They are the surprise. Bill shares that Celeste thinks that he is "ensconsed in Chicago." Or was it entombed?  Bill estimate the resell value of the loft, no doubt wondering how Celeste manages to live in such cramped quarters while Liz spies her shoes on the floor need Bahia's bed. 

Bill says, “I can't wait to see the look on her face!” When the ladies come back and discover the surprise, we discover that the look on Celeste's face is the same look she always has on her face, surprised with a faint sheen on Fake No. 5. Bill and Celeste have one thing in common, they both love Celeste. Hope is impressed with Bill, commenting that Celeste "landed herself a winner." Although Bill seemed like a perfectly nice man I would have killed to see who would have walked through the door for Roxanne and Paula. 

After the newness of the surprise fades, the rest of the women are left to suck their teeth about missing out on the chance to see their loved ones. Karin starts crying (again) about missing her boyfriend who I imagine at a seven foot tall Strongman competitor. Hope feels bad that because of her, the others may have lost out on something so important. Later she apologizes to Karin for ignoring her during commercial writing. An apology and regret? This is yet another first for reality TV.  

Next we see Bahia, Celeste, Bill and Liz at dinner. Oh I should add that Bahia is wearing a seriously fug jacket that not only is two sizes too small but also looks like it was made from steel wool. Everyone seems to be having a great time. Celeste toasts the group: 

We are toasting to life. Here's to life, love, life, happiness, success, good health, wonderful wealth, and perfect self-expression!

 I know, huh? If I knew Celeste in real life, I think she would drive me nuts. 

The next day, that woman from SELF shows up again this time to bore the women about relaxation. She lights some candles, makes them lay on the floor...turns on some Marvin Gaye music...and, well okay, there was no Marvin but there should have been. 

Final challenge day and the ladies are told that they will be doing a commercial with Daisy Fuentes who appears wearing a school marm’s floral blouse and camel toe pants. They will be helping Daisy sell something called Fuentes Fruit Fritatas on an infomercial. 

Jokes on the ladies because of course, the product isn't real and to make matters worse Daisy has spiked to mix with hot sauce, salt and cod liver oil to see how the ladies react. Hysterical huh? If I wanted to see that prank I'd watch Fear Factor. The rundown: 

Karin seriously acts like a meth-head and has apparently lost all control of her limbs. When she's on camera with Daisy she's so weird an jumpy that I feared for her safety. Hope can't pronounce dairy and keeps shutting her eyes. In confessional she adds that the frittata tasted like shit. Celeste is Celeste.  Tanya does okay but really who cares, it's a crappy product and the acting always sucks on infomercials. Bahia mistakenly tells Daisy after the commercial that the product is disgusting to which everyone feigns offense, causing Bahia to feel really bad. I felt bad too because Bahia was wearing that awful jacket again. 

They should just pull a name out of a hat at elimination. Clearly Karin was the worst but the judges let her stay and give Hope the boot. Who's going to do the snappy one-liners now judge? Hope does manage to leave on a high note with some class. I'll miss her.


girl@boroughvintage said...

Great recap. You can tell that Celeste has an interesting relationship with her husband - she hugged Bahia's friend goodbye longer than she hugged her own husband. It was odd and uncomfortable.

n.roberts said...

HAHA! Fabulous. Thanks for the great recap! Once again I feel like I saw it with my own eyes. Until next time...

ninety9 said...

Fetch, great recap as always! I'll miss Hope but I'm pretty sure I'll get over it. I wasn't surprised that Celeste was married to an older white man (who seemed lovely, btw). But could she have showed more excitement? If I hadn't seen my man in a while, I'd take him behind a building and show my appreciation. It struck me as odd, so I wonder what their deal is. I always wonder about these "acting challenges". If you have a commercial, why wouldn't you hire real actors/actresses? I find these challenges so pointless. I think Hope was as bad as the others but I know they were looking for an excuse to get rid of her. Peace out, Hope.

Bellastarbella said...

This was the funniest raccount I've heard! Love it. However, I happen to think Celeste is FABULOUS!!!